Month: November 2014

Holiday Gift Ideas for Everyone
Holiday Gifts

Holiday Gifts

Since I’m being inundated with emails from stores I rarely hear from, it must be time to buy things for friends and family.

Let me suggest — for those friends and loved ones who are looking for love and ending up with all the wrong people: Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner, on Amazon in Kindle and trade paperback formats. You can also get it at any bookstore by special order, or at the online sources below:

Amazon UK – Sale!

Amazon Canada – Sale!

Amazon Australia – Sale!

Barnes and Noble trade paperback

For those friends and family married or seeing “difficult” avoidants (dismissive or fearful), I suggest: Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner, on Amazon in Kindle and trade paperback formats. If you’re especially close to an avoidant and you want to get him or her to understand themselves better, you might dare to give them the book and stand back; tough love is not always appreciated!

And if you want to support this web site, you can do so by shopping through this Amazon portal: once you follow this link, a small percent of your purchases will be credited to this web site, and it doesn’t affect your prices at all: Amazon Cyber Monday Deals Week

“Red Queen: The Substrate Wars,” Second Part
Red Queen: The Substrate Wars

Red Queen: The Substrate Wars

I’ve finished a readable draft for the second part of Red Queen: The Substrate Wars, first book in a long series. Beta readers of Part 1 generally liked it and wanted to keep reading, so if you were holding off thinking it’s bad, maybe that will encourage you to give it a read.

In this part, our growing band of campus freedom-fighters discover a new technology that could either destroy the world, or save it. They take on the responsibility of using it for good. Homeland Security is one step behind them.

[edit: removed drafts since full book is available]

There are interesting questions about how much techno-geekery and science you should throw at the reader. Those who aren’t into it will see a paragraph of unintelligible babble and skip over it (“it’s magic!”), and those who are into it will read every word and try to find holes in the science, which they will of course be eager to point out.

So I need a wide variety of readers to help me decide just how far to go. There’s also an interesting problem with exposition: it’s necessary for the omniscient narrator to just tell the reader things, but they are more convincing coming from characters. But then you have long dialogues where characters go on in an unrealistic way. This has been accepted as part of the artifice since the time of the Greeks, but you can go too far. Let me know what you think!

Questions, errors, and comments to: jebkinnison@gmail.com. Hope you enjoy it.

UK Reviews of “Avoidant” and “Bad Boyfriends”
Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

One of my correspondents told me he had written a review of Avoidant on the Amazon UK site, so I looked, and found both his and a new one from someone else about Bad Boyfriends.

On Avoidant:

5.0 out of 5 stars

The book I needed more than any other.

I found this to be an incredibly helpful book, not because I am in a relationship with an avoidant, but because I AM an avoidant. Like most men with this issue, I had absolutely no idea I had a problem, but after years of short-term relationships and distressing break-ups I realised something was wrong — with me.

I feel very fortunate to have stumbled upon this book and I simply couldn’t put it down. It manages to detail the causes of this devastating problem in an easy to understand way with many excellent references including several detailed scientific studies. Far from being just another flimsy self-help read about relationships, this not only pulls no punches in explaining the cause and effect of ‘avoidant’ behaviour, but it also sets out genuine practical steps to help those affected move forward.

‘Avoidant’ has quite possibly saved me from a life of heartache, confusion and loneliness and I urge anybody who thinks they may have problems with intimacy and commitment to be brave enough to start reading. It may hold up a mirror to your behaviour and help you overcome a problem you weren’t even aware that you had. An essential book.

On Bad Boyfriends:

5.0 out of 5 stars

Highly Recommended
By Olive Green

I have never left a review of a book that I’ve bought on Amazon before, but I had to leave one for this book. I have found it extremely useful to read. It is well-researched, clearly written and an excellent introduction to the idea of how the relationships we grow up with in our families influence the relationships we form as adults. I wish I had read it many years ago! I have to say though, it’s a shame about the title. The content is far more serious and scholarly than the title suggests.

I agree the title is unserious; it was designed to get noticed in a crowd of other books. A title that says “serious book” is likely to be avoided by 2/3 of the audience this was written to reach….

“Avoidant”: Testimonial from an Avoidant
Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

I get emails from people who have read the books commenting about how they apply them to their own issues. This one is heartfelt but free of any specific issues that could identify the author, so I can post it with my reply:

I have just finished “Avoidant” and wanted to say that I found it incredibly helpful and somewhat emotional. Truth is, I am an avoidant, or at least one in recovery. After ending a relationship (of course) I started to realize something was very wrong with me, but struggled to work out what the problem was. I am 42 and have a history littered with short term relationships — I am almost a cliche of an avoidant. After searching endlessly and getting a hint I had something of a fear of commitment, I finally started to find out about attachment theory which ultimately led to your book.

On finding out I had this problem I was initially devastated, not only because it made me confront the hurt I have caused, but also because there is little sympathy for people like me. We are cast, rightly so I guess, as the boyfriends to avoid, men who are troubled, broken, and unreliable with little hope. There is always a lot of help for those in relationships with avoidants, but very rarely any help or support for those like me who have the problem. At least in your book you detailed ways in which people like me can begin to change, so thank you for that.

I have been in therapy for 6 months now and am determined to change my ways as much as I possibly can. I’m very emotional writing this, so at least that must be a good sign that I’m in touch with my feelings 🙂

Anyway, I hope this email finds you well and thank you for an enlightening book. Hopefully, your words will help heal and change a lost, confused soul into one capable of being in a loving relationship.

My answer:

Thank you for the heartfelt letter. I really appreciate it when people tell me they’ve found my work helpful. You made my day….

My piece of advice for you is not to regret too much. You have recognized the problem and are working on it. Keep at it — 42 is still young, you have half a life left to experience being more in touch with your feelings. I know all too many edging on 60 who will never examine themselves.

Recognize that your defense mechanism of blocking negative feelings kept you from hurting, but also kept you from learning. Not being able to process those feelings left you less capable of making good decisions of all sorts.

The unblocked you will pick up skills rapidly and is more likely to succeed at everything, but especially at finding and keeping a good partner. No point in feeling bad about in some sense starting out anew at 42 — there will be somebody out there who was similarly trapped and just getting freed up.

Good luck with the work. Being able to absorb the book and write this means you are most of the way along!

Amazon link: Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner