attachment type

50th Review of “Bad Boyfriends”
Bad Boyfriends Audiobook Cover

Bad Boyfriends Audiobook

Since Amazon began to randomly delete reviews last year, I post the new ones to preserve them. A new review of Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner:

5.0 out of 5 stars- Perfect for anyone starting to learn about relationship dynamics and personality types
By: matt, on May 29, 2018
Format: Paperback|Verified Purchase

I recently got out of a relationship in which I was constantly made to feel at fault for superficially minor things that somehow were turned into more major, far-reaching issues. Having been “gas-lighted” into thinking that everything was somehow my fault, I decided to try and seek guidance and/or insight into relationships and purchased this title, along with several others. Bad Boyfriends is the first relationship self-help book I have read, and although just half-way through, it has provided me with great clarity and understanding of my previous relationship and allowed me to come to terms with how it ended. The book is clearly and directly written, and can be read in about a day or two. I must admit that the topic of attachment theory is described on a more superficial level, but is perfect for someone just starting to learn about its consequences and role in daily life. Jeb provides further suggested reading on more specific topics throughout the book, many of which I have already added to my Amazon shopping list. If you are like me and are curious about relationships and how they function based on personality types and/or are not familiar with attachment theory, this is a great title with which to start your learning. However, if you have already read several relationship books and are fairly knowledgeable on the subject, then this book may not be as useful to you; although you may find use in it for its references to other psychological works on the subject material. In all, a great addition to my library.

“Attachment Style and Saying I Like You” – Typevolution Blog
Insecure and Secure - credit Sarah Anderson

Insecure and Secure – credit Sarah Anderson

I noticed a clever post at Type•volution linking to this blog’s attachment type pages. The author imagines some typical conversations between the various attachment types, amusingly capturing the flavor of typical interaction scripts for each combination. Recommended reading!

UK Reviews of “Avoidant” and “Bad Boyfriends”
Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

One of my correspondents told me he had written a review of Avoidant on the Amazon UK site, so I looked, and found both his and a new one from someone else about Bad Boyfriends.

On Avoidant:

5.0 out of 5 stars

The book I needed more than any other.

I found this to be an incredibly helpful book, not because I am in a relationship with an avoidant, but because I AM an avoidant. Like most men with this issue, I had absolutely no idea I had a problem, but after years of short-term relationships and distressing break-ups I realised something was wrong — with me.

I feel very fortunate to have stumbled upon this book and I simply couldn’t put it down. It manages to detail the causes of this devastating problem in an easy to understand way with many excellent references including several detailed scientific studies. Far from being just another flimsy self-help read about relationships, this not only pulls no punches in explaining the cause and effect of ‘avoidant’ behaviour, but it also sets out genuine practical steps to help those affected move forward.

‘Avoidant’ has quite possibly saved me from a life of heartache, confusion and loneliness and I urge anybody who thinks they may have problems with intimacy and commitment to be brave enough to start reading. It may hold up a mirror to your behaviour and help you overcome a problem you weren’t even aware that you had. An essential book.

On Bad Boyfriends:

5.0 out of 5 stars

Highly Recommended
By Olive Green

I have never left a review of a book that I’ve bought on Amazon before, but I had to leave one for this book. I have found it extremely useful to read. It is well-researched, clearly written and an excellent introduction to the idea of how the relationships we grow up with in our families influence the relationships we form as adults. I wish I had read it many years ago! I have to say though, it’s a shame about the title. The content is far more serious and scholarly than the title suggests.

I agree the title is unserious; it was designed to get noticed in a crowd of other books. A title that says “serious book” is likely to be avoided by 2/3 of the audience this was written to reach….

Dating Pool Danger: Harder to Find Good Partners After 30
Attachment Type Dating Pool

Attachment Type Dating Pool

From Chapter 25 of Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner, “Types in the Dating Pool.”

If you’re not familiar with attachment types, take the test and read about them here.

Estimates vary, but a good guess is that 50% of the population starts adulthood secure, while 20% are anxious-preoccupied, 25% are dismissive-avoidant, and 5% are fearful-avoidant. But as time goes by and the secure are more likely to get into and stay in long-term relationships, the proportions of the types seen in the dating pool change—the secure become scarce, and the dismissive-avoidant, who begin and end relationships quickly, become the most likely type you will encounter.

The graph is based on a simplified* simulation of the dating pool by age, showing the percentage of each type in the shrinking dating pool. Secures appear dominant early in the dating pool at about 50%, but over time their prevalence declines to around 20%. Notice how the Dismissive-Avoidant start off as the second most prevalent attachment type at 25%, but over time become the predominant type at 50% of the far smaller dating population—this is not because they don’t start relationships, but that they tend to exit them quickly. The proportion of Preoccupied and Fearful-Avoidant increases somewhat as well. The age scale assumes everyone starts looking for a partner at 20, so subpopulations which start later (academics, for example) would be shifted by a few years. Since both starting parameters and the simulation are simplified, these numbers are only suggestive.

The shrinkage of the dating pool with time and its later domination by less secure types means the older you are, the more cautious you should be, because it is much more likely that those in the dating pool in later years have a problematic attachment type, or even worse problems keeping them from sustaining good relationships. Of course there are always new entries to the dating pool who have been released from good relationships by their partner’s death or unfortunate circumstances; but those past 40 who have never been able to get and keep a good relationship going, likely never will—unless of course they have realized they need to change and work hard on themselves.

* — Based on data from a simplified simulation model run by the author based on reported duration of relationships by attachment type combinations and initial populations. Suggestive, but the initial parameters are based on limited studies and the simulation ignores such factors as longer relationships tending to break down less frequently. More longitudinal studies are needed.

For more reading, start with my book, much of which is online here.

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