Books

Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

117th Review of “Avoidant”

When the book was an Amazon Prime Reading selection (free to Amazon Prime members) it attracted so many new reviews I couldn’t keep up. But here’s a pair of new ones I can riff on.

5.0 out of 5 stars
Great honest book about avoidants
By B*** C******, August 18, 2018

If your partner is cold, doesn’t like touch, is negative, and doesn’t seem to care about your feelings or your attempts to fix the relationship: This is your book. It’s honest about your chances right up front. It’s also not your fault you can’t figure out why you’re mad or why you feel you’re to blame. It’s the avoidant’s gift of manipulation.

It’s honest about these people being able to change. Or unable to change. This book was infinitely helpful in helping me see the light. (Cue Ace of Base – I saw the sign)

Thank you for being honest Jeb Kinnison – where so many lie to make one waste their money on quick fixes, this is straight talk.

And thank you, B***! As you can see from some other reviews, many people prefer to preserve their fantasy view of how the world works and blame others for the problems they have dealing with it. One change I’d make to the book if I had it to do over again is to emphasize several more times (it’s only mentioned in one place) that women are as likely as men to be dismissive or fearful-avoidant, but typically are better at disguising it for longer because the predominant cultural stereotypes of women being the caring and giving sex encourage a less open version of the syndrome. I only adopted the convention of men as the dismissive partner because it is easier to understand the examples.

As for my “tough love” stance, there are thousands of authors and web sites that promote romance and advice to fix bad relationships that doesn’t work and gives false hope. It’s not popular to suggest that some couples and individuals are ill-suited to intimate partnerships, and it’s radical to suggest that some people will never be and that it’s no crime not to be happily married. One size does not fit all, and you can’t “make it work” with someone who doesn’t care to.

5.0 out of 5 stars
Are you in one of those hot-cold, roller coaster relationships you can’t seem to break out of? Read this ASAP.
By L. E. on April 28, 2018

One of the best books I’ve ever read about adult attachment behavior and romantic relationships. If you are always in “on again-off again” relationships or go back and forth between fear of being alone and fear of being abandoned (or you frequently choose partners who are), check this out. This book seems like it would help just about anyone with a pattern of attachment (closeness, trust, faithfulness) issues in their relationships, not just those who are avoidant or are with someone who is avoidant. It is made up of information from numerous reputable sources who research attachment psychology. I find it strange that the author is not a mental health professional at all and has no background in it. Either way, he hit the nail on the head with this one. As a therapist who ironically perpetually ends up with avoidant men and subsequently gets my heart broken, I find this book priceless.

And thank you, L.E.! I’m an auto-didact — I have been teaching myself all my life, having had several careers in different fields. I spent years reading the attachment literature, roughly the equivalent of a Ph.D. It’s amusing how little many Ph.Ds actually know. I greatly admire practicing counsellors and have done some counselling myself, but most have only superficial knowledge of attachment theory. I stepped in to write this because there was no popular-level book on the topic, and more general attachment books (notably Attached) are addressed to the self-help book market which tends to be anxious-preoccupied in orientation. A deeper dive into fearful and dismissive-avoidants seemed more useful for those already in a relationship with one.

1.0 out of 5 stars
Biased and disappointing
ByAmazon Customer on May 19, 2018

Very biased and misogynistic. This author has opinions that he bends scientific theories to support his apparent anger at a dismissively attached person in his life. He goes off topic frequently and seems to have a vendetta against women. The last half of the book was mostly blog opinion posts from other men he knows that he wanted to use to support his views. Disappointing and unsupportable.

And now for negative reviews. A minority of readers see misogyny where none exists, largely because I call out the strain of feminism that is biased toward finding fault with the male in any bad relationship. One chapter in particular, where I point out that women *tend* to engage in verbal and psychological abuse while men are stereotyped as physically abusive, gets that reaction. The fact is no troubled relationship is easy to analyze from outside, and while abusive males have been a big problem throughout history going back to our hominid ancestors, there are also many examples of physically and emotionally abusive females (the statistics on abuse in lesbian relationships make that clear.)

The predominant ideology today is a feminist take that assumes that females are blameless and powerless, while on average every bit as capable as men but needing special accommodations to their needs and desires, a somewhat schizophrenic take. This attitude ends up souring many a relationship when the expectations of the female partner don’t match the reality of the male’s ability to satisfy them. The partnership of equals of a good marriage means both will accept that sacrifice and effort are necessary to succeed jointly. That means respect on both sides for the abilities each bring to the relationship. I see a lot of people (many men, too!) who think they are owed happiness with little effort or humility. The result is broken relationships, unstable homes for children, and unhappiness and pain.

As for the last half of the book, those “blog posts” were written by yours truly, dear Amazon Customer, as was made clear in the book. Each was edited and extended the theme of the book, covering some aspect of relationships with avoidant types. I’m sorry you were unreceptive to my message.

50th Review of “Bad Boyfriends”

Bad Boyfriends Audiobook Cover

Bad Boyfriends Audiobook

Since Amazon began to randomly delete reviews last year, I post the new ones to preserve them. A new review of Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner:

5.0 out of 5 stars- Perfect for anyone starting to learn about relationship dynamics and personality types
By: matt, on May 29, 2018
Format: Paperback|Verified Purchase

I recently got out of a relationship in which I was constantly made to feel at fault for superficially minor things that somehow were turned into more major, far-reaching issues. Having been “gas-lighted” into thinking that everything was somehow my fault, I decided to try and seek guidance and/or insight into relationships and purchased this title, along with several others. Bad Boyfriends is the first relationship self-help book I have read, and although just half-way through, it has provided me with great clarity and understanding of my previous relationship and allowed me to come to terms with how it ended. The book is clearly and directly written, and can be read in about a day or two. I must admit that the topic of attachment theory is described on a more superficial level, but is perfect for someone just starting to learn about its consequences and role in daily life. Jeb provides further suggested reading on more specific topics throughout the book, many of which I have already added to my Amazon shopping list. If you are like me and are curious about relationships and how they function based on personality types and/or are not familiar with attachment theory, this is a great title with which to start your learning. However, if you have already read several relationship books and are fairly knowledgeable on the subject, then this book may not be as useful to you; although you may find use in it for its references to other psychological works on the subject material. In all, a great addition to my library.

“Avoidant” is number 1 bestseller! (On Amazon, in one narrow category…)

May 20, 2018 Amazon listing

May 20, 2018 Amazon listing

This jumped out at me a few days ago. Avoidant got recategorized, and suddenly it’s number one in sales in the quiet “Counseling” category. This is the kind of thing that allows publishers to advertise like this: “#1 Amazon Bestselling Author Jeb Kinnison!” — technically true but misleading.

“Nephilim” – Indiereader Review

Nephilim eBook Cover

Nephilim eBook Cover

The Indiereader review:

Sixteen year-old Sara, an introverted Jewish Goth with a history of cutting herself, moves to a small town in Utah where she meets Jared, a shy Mormon gamer with a pornography addiction. The two fall for each other, hard, but what they don’t know is that they are but chess pieces in a larger game played out between the Nephilim (fallen angels) and the archangels who oppose them … sex is a major plot driver and a few explicit scenes are included in the narrative… Kinnison does very well depicting the drama, self-doubt and angst that comes with being a teenager.

You can order at any of these links:

Amazon link
B&N Nook
Kobo
Apple iBook

6″x9″ Trade Paperback at Amazon
6″x9″ Trade Paperback at Barnes & Noble