Kinnison, Jeb. Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner. 2014. General discussion of attachment types and specific tips for finding a good partner knowing your own type.
Kinnison, Jeb. Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner 2014. How to get along better with, improve, or detach yourself from an avoidant spouse or lover.
General Books on Attachment
Dr. John Gottman’s book (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) is a great guide on how to strive for secure attachment with your partner when you are insecure. His basic approach is discussed in this post.
Lewis, Thomas; Fari Amini; and Richard Lannon. A General Theory of Love. New York: Vintage Books, 2001. This book is a groundbreaking synthesis of recent scientific work in the study of attachment. Emotionally moving and accessible, and brings together topics of neuroscience and psychology with an entertaining literary sensibility. Should be required reading in college psychology courses.
Karen, Robert. Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love. New York: Oxford University Press, 1998. If you’re interested in a detailed look at the effects of upbringing on child and adult attachment, this is the one to read.
Levine, Amir, and Rachel Heller. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love. New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher, 2010. Popular book with a wealth of advice and stories about how the anxious can change their dating strategies and behaviors.
Johnson, Susan M. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. New York: Little, Brown & Co., 2008. Another popular book with good advice on learning to be a better communicator and partner.
Rowan, John. Discover Your Subpersonalities: Our Inner World and the People in It. Routledge, 2013. Our stream of consciousness includes messages to direct our own actions—but what voice has the floor? It can be useful to look at conscious thought as an agora where internal subpersonalities struggle to be heard and control our actions. This can be especially helpful when a subpersonality that represents the overprotective or oppressive parental voice is identifiable and is distorting the thinking of the child in adulthood.
Stone, Hal, and Stone, Sidra. Embracing Your Inner Critic: Turning Self-Criticism into a Creative Asset. [San Francisco]: HarperSanFrancisco, 1993.
Wallin, David J. Attachment in Psychotherapy. New York: Guilford Press, 2007. Highly technical book for therapists and motivated others about the therapeutic process when attachment styles are the primary issues. Unfortunately only available as an expensive hardcover.
Stone, Hal, and Sidra. Embracing Our Selves: the Voice Dialogue Manual. 1989, New World Library.
Other Important Books
Tennov, Dorothy. Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. 1999, Scarborough House.
Peele, Stanton, and Archie Brodsky. Love and Addiction. 1991, New York: Penguin Group.
People who have been seriously damaged by narcissists are strongly motivated to write about it to warn others:
- Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover and Move On by Cythia Zayn and Kevin Dibble, M.S.
- Narcissists Exposed: 75 Things Narcissists Don’t Want You to Know by Drew Keys
- Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, & Other Toxic People, by Peace
- The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson
- Emotional Assault: Recognizing an Abusive Partner’s Bag of Tricks by Lisa Kroulik
- Surviving a Narcissist – The Path Forward by Lisa Scott
- Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited, by Sam Vaknin and Lidija Rangelovska
- Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina W. Brown.
Other Specific Types
I haven’t finished reading it, but the new book Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It appears to be a good resource for the anxious-preoccupied.
Miller, Alice. The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self, Revised Edition. Basic Books, 1996.
Sex and Bonding in Relationships