Email today from a 40 year old reader who recognizes her hoped-for partner, who’s never let her get to know his friends and family, is dismissive-avoidant and she needs to move on. She knows she has to, but it’s hard. My response:
The other book is the first and was aimed at younger people who are looking around. There’s some material Avoidant doesn’t have but it’s probably not worth your time.
Your bf is literally a check-all-the-boxes classic case, not mean like some but not really there for you in bad times.
It’s healthy for you to look away from this or any other relationship for a while and concentrate on yourself and the moment and place you are in. The partner you want wants the you that is happy by herself, who brings her own strengths he can lean on when he needs to.
You have the bird-in-the-hand issue — he has many positive qualities, you like his company, why drop him for the possibility you’ll find someone who’s more fulfilling for you? It is always up to you, but you’ve never been close to him for long enough to see the emptiness of the long run together.
40 is NOT TOO LATE. There are many good quality men coming out of bad first marriages. There is a very good chance that if you start spending your energy on yourself and not this guy, a much more fulfilling partner will turn up at some activity you’re involved with.
5.0 out of 5 stars.
Don’t judge a book by the title
May 13, 2019
Originally I was reluctant to read this book because the title, however after reading more about it was actually about I decided to get it. AND LOVED IT. This book can be a difficult read if you are being brutally honest with yourself about your own faults and those around you. But if you’re reading it to gain a better understanding about attachment and for personal development, it’s the perfect book to get started. I’ve recommended it to many others since reading. It will be on my list of top 10 personal development books. Highly recommend reading.
5.0 out of 5 stars- Perfect for anyone starting to learn about relationship dynamics and personality types
By: matt, on May 29, 2018
Format: Paperback|Verified Purchase
I recently got out of a relationship in which I was constantly made to feel at fault for superficially minor things that somehow were turned into more major, far-reaching issues. Having been “gas-lighted” into thinking that everything was somehow my fault, I decided to try and seek guidance and/or insight into relationships and purchased this title, along with several others. Bad Boyfriends is the first relationship self-help book I have read, and although just half-way through, it has provided me with great clarity and understanding of my previous relationship and allowed me to come to terms with how it ended. The book is clearly and directly written, and can be read in about a day or two. I must admit that the topic of attachment theory is described on a more superficial level, but is perfect for someone just starting to learn about its consequences and role in daily life. Jeb provides further suggested reading on more specific topics throughout the book, many of which I have already added to my Amazon shopping list. If you are like me and are curious about relationships and how they function based on personality types and/or are not familiar with attachment theory, this is a great title with which to start your learning. However, if you have already read several relationship books and are fairly knowledgeable on the subject, then this book may not be as useful to you; although you may find use in it for its references to other psychological works on the subject material. In all, a great addition to my library.
The existing forums at Jeb Kinnison Forums are run by a service that is charging more and more to keep them ad-free, so I’ve added forums on this site — not the easiest thing to do but they seem to work. I’ll be tinkering with them further since I’m not happy with the font sizes or line spacing, but feel free to use them — see the link in the header above for “New Forums” and check it out. The old forums are quite active these days with as many a 6,000 pageviews a day, so check them out until the new ones are active. Note that you have to join the new forums using the box in the sidebar to comment there, but anyone should be able to read them.