dismissive

I’m 40 and I’m stuck in a long-distance relationship with a dismissive guy…

Email today from a 40 year old reader who recognizes her hoped-for partner, who’s never let her get to know his friends and family, is dismissive-avoidant and she needs to move on. She knows she has to, but it’s hard. My response:

The other book is the first and was aimed at younger people who are looking around. There’s some material Avoidant doesn’t have but it’s probably not worth your time.

Your bf is literally a check-all-the-boxes classic case, not mean like some but not really there for you in bad times.

It’s healthy for you to look away from this or any other relationship for a while and concentrate on yourself and the moment and place you are in. The partner you want wants the you that is happy by herself, who brings her own strengths he can lean on when he needs to.

You have the bird-in-the-hand issue — he has many positive qualities, you like his company, why drop him for the possibility you’ll find someone who’s more fulfilling for you? It is always up to you, but you’ve never been close to him for long enough to see the emptiness of the long run together.

40 is NOT TOO LATE. There are many good quality men coming out of bad first marriages. There is a very good chance that if you start spending your energy on yourself and not this guy, a much more fulfilling partner will turn up at some activity you’re involved with.

Best of luck!

[Note: if you arrived here looking for insight into a dismissive or fearful-avoidant spouse or lover, read: Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner.]

More on Attachment and Personality Types:

What Attachment Type Are You?
Type: Secure
Type: Anxious-Preoccupied
Type: Dismissive-Avoidant
Type: Fearful-Avoidant (aka Anxious-Avoidant)
Avoidant: Emotions Repressed Beneath Conscious Level
Serial Monogamy: the Fearful-Avoidant Do It Faster
Anxious-Preoccupied: Stuck on the Dismissive?
Anxious-Preoccupied / Dismissive-Avoidant Couples: the Silent Treatment
nxious-Preoccupied: Clingy and Insecure Relationship Example
Domestic Violence: Ray and Janay Rice
Malignant Narcissists
Teaching Narcissists to Activate Empathy
Histrionic Personality: Seductive, Dramatic, Theatrical
Life Is Unfair! The Great Chain of Dysfunction Ends With You.
Love Songs of the Secure Attachment Type
On Addiction and the Urge to Rescue
Sale! Sale! Sale! – “Bad Boyfriends” for Kindle, $2.99
Controlling Your Inner Critic: Subpersonalities
“Big Bang Theory” — Aspergers and Emotional/Social Intelligence
Porn Addiction and NoFAP
Introverts in Management

“Avoidant” Audiobook Reviews

The audiobook sells as many copies as either print or ebook, but the reviews from Audible don’t appear in Amazon. I noticed some new ones:

5 out of 5 stars
Anna, 11-17-18
Eye Opener!

Excellent book for those in relationships with Avoidant types. I’ve read it three times in the last 4 days. Now I understand the relationship that has confused me for two years. Empowering information. Highly recommended.

5 out of 5 stars
Ruzette Nicolas, 11-06-18
excellent

despite it was not my first book on attachment. I really found it interesting and useful for me and for my practice as a psychologist

5 out of 5 stars
Anonymous User, 10-04-18
Amazing book

This is an amazing book, not only for comfort to make you feel less “crazy” about your relationship but to also give you pointers on how to work with your self and your partner.

5 out of 5 stars
Autumn Roth, 09-23-18
A life changer !! A must read for ANYONE partnered

Without this book, I would have lost my husband and Home, and would have continued on the aimless path, seeking out the “jerks”

I am still married to the “jerk” but with this book, I was able to take “me” out of the equation, to see that it was with empathy and understanding he wasn’t trying to hurt me, he was just so hurt as a child, he didn’t really learn HOW to be empathic and closely bonded… once I took this info to heart, we both are much happier since he learned my needs as well…. it saved my marriage, home, and happier than ever!!! The way it’s written and dictated, it’s very clear and spot on!

5 out of 5 stars
Anonymous User, 09-13-18
Helpful

This book was very enlightening and gave clarity to a lot of things I’ve experienced with my partner. If you think you may be with a dismissive avoidant partner I would highly recommend this book as it gives understanding to your partner’s attachment style, how your style may interact with theirs, and some strategies on how to deal with it. Good read.

5 out of 5 stars
Cynthia Lally, 05-21-18
necessary for anyone living with an avoidant

absolutely eye-opening! Thank you for the much-needed insight and guidance. the author is a gift to his profession.

Ah, shucks! I’m just happy that lots of people find the book helps them.

New Forums Added

The existing forums at Jeb Kinnison Forums are run by a service that is charging more and more to keep them ad-free, so I’ve added forums on this site — not the easiest thing to do but they seem to work. I’ll be tinkering with them further since I’m not happy with the font sizes or line spacing, but feel free to use them — see the link in the header above for “New Forums” and check it out. The old forums are quite active these days with as many a 6,000 pageviews a day, so check them out until the new ones are active. Note that you have to join the new forums using the box in the sidebar to comment there, but anyone should be able to read them.

Backup of old forum here: Old Forum Backup 6-2018

“Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner” – print on Amazon
Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

At last, you can order the trade paperback version from Amazon HERE.

From the book:

This book is about finding a way to be happy individually and as a couple when one or more members of a couple has avoidant attachment issues—either dismissive or fearful-avoidant (which is sometimes called anxious-avoidant.)

Not knowing anything about attachment types, many people discover their partner is avoidant only after a few years of distress, and by accident when someone tells them about attachment types, or when they do some research online. Having an avoidant attachment type is not a disease or disorder; it simply means early childhood experiences with caregivers left them with little trust for intimate companions, and a desire to avoid the pain that might come if they became dependent and then were hurt by a loved one’s failure to help them, as likely happened to them when they were infants. This subconscious lack of trust and desire for intimacy means they are “intimacy avoidant.”

If your partner is avoidant, you will recognize the signs immediately in reading the chapters on Dismissive-Avoidants and Fearful-Avoidants. Some of the turmoil their relationships undergo is centered around their inability and lack of desire to respond supportively to request signals from their partner; the disappointment and anger of the partner then feeds back into further withdrawal by the dismissive, and the relationship begins to crack under the strain.

One of the points of this book is that not only can avoidants change (with therapy and motivation) to be more supportive, but their partners can learn to understand and accept more their need for emotional distance. Your avoidant partner is a complex individual with a history and many characteristics beyond attachment type; while some avoidants (especially the dismissive variety) are likely to be tough to live with for almost anyone, yours may be able to modify their thoughts and behavior enough to improve your relationship. And you may find more happiness by understanding better how they feel.

More on Avoidant and Bad Boyfriends: