insecure attachment

Dismissive-Avoidants: Gay and Lesbian Cases

Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

I published a few examples of anonymized correspondence I had received in Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner. I want to point out two examples that illustrate that gay and lesbian relationships have the same underlying attachment dynamics.

Example 1: “Tess” and “Natasha.”

Sometimes it’s better when an avoidant lets you know before you get into a years-long relationship that you really aren’t that important to them. Painful as that might be, it’s less painful than having built a life or family with them, only to discover they are just tolerating you.

In this example, “Tess” is just out of a bad romance with an avoidant (“Natasha”), and she’s still trying to understand what happened:

Tess:

I am very recently out of a relationship where I think now that my former dating partner may be an avoidant, but I am not totally sure which type. I know from therapy that I’m anxious-preoccupied and I’m working on that, but this relationship activated my attachment issues. I did better this time than I have in the past, but it is still really hard.

I met this woman through work, and we hit it off and became friends. Over the course of our friendship, I developed an attraction to her, and I thought she did to me as well. Before we started she had doubts about me as I had never been with a woman before, and I had doubts as to whether or not she was over her ex.

I should have paid closer attention to her mentioning that she was planning to move 5 hours away when she was able to find a job in that area. The only area she was willing to look for a job was in the city where her ex lives. I asked her once why the only place in the whole world she wanted to move was that close to her ex, and she responded by asking me why it bothered me.

When “Natasha” (my ex) met the woman who would become her ex, she was married and had small children. They began an affair, and eventually this woman left her husband for Natasha. They were together in some capacity for 3 years until the ex-husband threatened to take the children away if they didn’t end their relationship. She ended the relationship with Natasha and moved with her ex-husband to the area where Natasha has now moved.

She also has a history of having long distance relationships that I knew about when we started dating. I really thought I wasn’t jumping into anything too fast this time because we had been friends for over a year at the time we started dating. She really pursued me at the start and was very romantic. Then it was like as soon as I was in, she started distancing herself a little. I know that I am sensitive to distance because I am preoccupied, so I tried to rely on my tools I had developed and ignored my feelings. But sometimes they were overwhelming, and I would need to ask for reassurance. She always gave it and assured me that the distance was due to stress and nothing more.

She ended up moving 5 hours away for a job, and she insisted that she wanted to try long distance. I am also job searching, and so I suggested that I search for jobs in her city. She said that I should do whatever is best for me. And I said that I feel like for our relationship to move forward, we need to be in the same city. She said she agreed, but she was fine with long distance also.

I visited her after she moved, and everything seemed fine. The next day she broke up with me over the phone when I had returned home. Basically, the only answer she had was that I wasn’t “The One.” She still hopes we can be friends.

This break up was totally devoid of emotion. Then I called her two weeks later to talk because I missed her and just wanted to talk to her. She acted fine. She was cold and callous. She had absolutely no emotion whatsoever. Which over the course of our relationship, she didn’t show a lot of emotion anyway except when she was trying to win me over it felt like.

The only time I heard a hint of emotion in her voice was when I asked about her mother. She had an edge of anger. Not much, but some.

Her father committed suicide when she was 12, and I know she doesn’t have a lot of close friends. She does have a close relationship with her mother and her sister.

I am looking for answers to help myself move on…

Jeb:

She sounds primarily dismissive; most of the signs (often cold, valuing an unobtainable ex over a real available person, breaking up right after a visit) fit. Talking about moving away while seeing you is another typical sign. If she were fearful, she would have run away after really being a relationship, as it started to get very close. But the fearful and dismissive share common characteristics and some people straddle the line.

You already know she’s not reliable or consistently valuing your feelings. The best thing for you is probably to move on. She sounds like she has more issues than just being avoidant, so perhaps it’s just as well you didn’t get in as deep as you could have. Talking about moving far away — which happens to be to a place near her ex! — while she was supposedly getting into a relationship with you is as red-flaggy as it gets.

Tess:

Is it typical for an avoidant to act very interested in a relationship at the beginning? One of the things I am having a hard time reconciling is the fact that Natasha seemed very, very interested at the beginning, and it changed sort of suddenly. Like one day she was all about me, and then it was like she wasn’t there. We still went on dates and saw each other regularly until she moved, but she seemed emotionally distant.

I asked her how her feelings changed so quickly, and she just said that her feelings haven’t changed. She still thinks I am an amazing woman, but that I am just not “The One.” I know from previous conversations that she had felt like her ex was “The One,” but since they weren’t together anymore, she was trying to believe there could be someone else.

Was she lying in the beginning about how attracted to me she was? That is one of the mental obstacles I am facing in working through this. How does a person have strong attraction and then no attraction over the course of 4 months?

Jeb:

“Lying” is probably the wrong word. Most people are aware of their motives for doing things, but the avoidant’s lack of emotional connection to memories allows for an inconsistency of feeling that is hard for us to understand. A typical person would recognize something odd about wanting someone one day, then shortly thereafter rejecting the same person, but they are not conscious of a remembered “landscape of feelings” like we are.

You would not do that. But she could, and without ever lying — she could only have been lying if she wasn’t truly interested, but most likely she was. No, it does not make sense. Just realize you can’t fit her actions into your emotional reasoning.

It’s not at all unusual for an avoidant to be charming and very interested-seeming in courtship. Avoidants can enjoy the thrill of the chase, hunt, and capture; most of the “players” (charming seducers) over 30 are avoidant. They will focus attention on you—one study found that avoidants touched their dating partners during conversation more than secure and preoccupied types. But once the prey is bagged, the level of interest drops.

Generally the dismissive aren’t conscious of why they act this way; a rationalization is made up to explain their own behavior.

Example 2: “Joshua” and “Alan”

The second example is “Joshua,” a gay man in his first year with “Alan” in New York City, who is just realizing how unsupportive his dismissive partner is:

Joshua:

I downloaded the Kindle version of your book Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner yesterday. I finished it today and have started my second pass. Thank you. It has profoundly changed my point of view and has helped me tremendously.

I am a gay man, 34, and have been in a committed relationship for just over a year, after a long stint of being single. We have encountered a growing number of interpersonal problems over the recent months. In the process, I have started to trend from being a caring loving man to one of extreme preoccupation and worry about the emotional status of my relationship. Needless to say, I came upon your book in a frenzied attempt to find answers about why certain things and behaviors where manifesting.

Jeb:

I’m glad you discovered my book. Only a handful of his friends would have any idea he has an issue, most likely, and in the old days you’d have no way of knowing it was his difficulty responding supportively that was making you insecure. The Internet and Google make it far easier to find similar people with similar problems.

Joshua:

I don’t need to go into too many details, but I believe I am involved with a dismissive. His past is in line with that likelihood, and his behavior and actions toward me are absolutely in line with how you’ve described a person of this temperament might behave. My gentle entreaties were once answered in kind to only soon be ignored, overlooked, dismissed or outright called stupid and unnecessary. Presently, we are in a paralyzed state where my partner is not participating, mad at me, putting up roadblocks to communication, and has recently started to not talk at all.

Jeb:

No, you’re not crazy, and at least initially not too demanding to have expected empathetic communication. Your partner has tired of the novelty of the relationship and may now see you as a burden to be held at bay.

Joshua:

I have been labeled needy, controlling, demanding and at times “insane.” Through this process I have started to feel invisible, disposable and a convenience. I should add that this all began when I noticed him pulling away emotionally, which was shortly followed by a sudden vacation with a friend I have never met on which I was not invited.

Jeb:

What?? Alarm bells. He’s certainly not hiding his lack of concern for your feelings.

Joshua:

Since then matters have spiraled into chaos. And in that chaos I have found him online talking to other men, making plans for sex dates, posting indiscreet pictures of himself on sex sites, disappearing for lengths of time and erratic changes in our plans. And when I asked to talk about it he has denied that anything is happening and called me crazy. When I supplied the proof he refused to talk about it, and still refuses. His response was that he was working through something and now it is over. And all through it my emotions have not been acknowledged or properly addressed. And now I am in a place of constant anxiety about my emotional and physical well being, and have very conflicted feelings of attachment and love for this person.

Jeb:

You will find that love is not enough. There are many people we will meet who we can love, but few of those who will be loyal and steady partners. Letting go of someone you may continue to love when you realize they are not good for you and never will be is hard, but much better for you than not letting go.

Joshua:

In the end, after reading your book and taking the test suggested in the beginning, I am surprised to learn that I am demonstrating preoccupied tendencies. This is not who I identify as, since I have a history of secure, open and well balanced relationships in my past. I am now prone to believe I am acting this way because the climate of my relationship is driving me in that direction.

Jeb:

I think you are right.

Joshua:

Hence my belief that I am involved with a dismissive person that can’t feel his attachment to me. Therefore, I have decided I need to locate a therapist that can assist me with these issues and help guide me through them. I am very confused since I love this person a great deal, but he is unable or unwilling to help me understand how to care for him. I need assistance.

Jeb:

If you have not already tried it, ask him if he will take the online test and talk with you about the results. Most dismissives won’t do anything to explore the possibility that they might be causing the trouble in a relationship, but it is worth trying to get him to understand that he has a problem which he could work on. It’s unlikely he will respond positively.

As for therapists, it’s very personal, so you are looking for someone who you can have a rapport with, who quickly “gets” you, and who is familiar with dismissives and attachment insecurity. A good therapist will refer you to someone more suitable if the match is not good.

More on Attachment and Personality Types:

What Attachment Type Are You?
Type: Secure
Type: Anxious-Preoccupied
Type: Dismissive-Avoidant
Type: Fearful-Avoidant (aka Anxious-Avoidant)
Avoidant: Emotions Repressed Beneath Conscious Level
Serial Monogamy: the Fearful-Avoidant Do It Faster
Anxious-Preoccupied: Stuck on the Dismissive?
Anxious-Preoccupied / Dismissive-Avoidant Couples: the Silent Treatment
Anxious-Preoccupied: Clingy and Insecure Relationship Example
Domestic Violence: Ray and Janay Rice
Malignant Narcissists
Teaching Narcissists to Activate Empathy
Histrionic Personality: Seductive, Dramatic, Theatrical
Life Is Unfair! The Great Chain of Dysfunction Ends With You.
Love Songs of the Secure Attachment Type
On Addiction and the Urge to Rescue
“Bad Boyfriends” for Kindle, $2.99
Controlling Your Inner Critic
“Big Bang Theory” — Aspergers and Emotional/Social Intelligence
Porn Addiction and NoFAP
Introverts in Management
Dismissive-Avoidants as Parents

Changing Your Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style or Type

Secure Base for the Anxious-Preoccupied

I just published a book on the Avoidants (both Dismissive and Fearful)–Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner.

I haven’t thought about a similar effort for the opposite extreme, the insecure Anxious-Preoccupied, partly because there’s a decent book out on the topic: Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It.

But of course I do have some thoughts. At the simplest level, one might view the anxious as opposites of the avoidant: avoidants appear to care too little about attachment, while the anxious care too much. But it’s not that simple — avoidants clearly do care a lot about their attachments, subconsciously–it is masked by defensive repression of attachment-related emotions, both positive and negative. Meanwhile, the anxious-preoccupied have an unfulfilled security need they strive to fill with someone, anyone, as quickly as possible — they almost lose sight of their romantic partner’s actual needs and feelings in an effort to get closer to reduce their own anxieties:

In particular, avoidance is thought to predispose a person to, or to accompany, overt narcissism or grandiosity, which includes both self-praise and denial of weaknesses (Gabbard, 1998; Wink, 1991). Attachment anxiety, in contrast, seems to predispose a person to, or to accompany, covert narcissism, which is characterized by self-focused attention, hypersensitivity to other people’s attention to or evaluation of oneself, and appraisal of oneself in terms of inherently unrealistic expectations and a sense of entitlement…. –Shaver and Mikulincer, Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change, loc. 4272.

Looking back to the infant studies which first demonstrated the attachment styles:

The C, or anxious, infant is marked by high vigilance concerning the mother’s presence and her availability or unavailability , frequent verbal or physical contact with her, noticeable wariness with respect to the stranger, intense distress when the mother leaves the room and, in many cases, anger and resistance when she returns. This seeming inconsistency between wanting mother close, then showing anger and resistance following separation from her, is the reason for the terms “ambivalent” and “resistant” in some of the labels for this attachment pattern. We think it is preferable to consider this reaction a sign of protest and retributive anger rather than ambivalence. –Shaver and Mikulincer, Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change, loc. 2287.

This points at a significant factor that shows up in many of the relationships Anxious-Preoccupieds have: anger. This helpless anger is often directed toward both parents and partners:

Adult attachment research also provides consistent evidence that self-reports of attachment anxiety are associated with one of Main and colleagues’ (1985) defining characteristics of the preoccupied state of mind: experience and expression of dysfunctional anger toward attachment figures (e.g., Mikulincer, 1998b; Rholes, Simpson, & Orina, 1999; Woike, Osier, & Candela; 1996…). –Shaver and Mikulincer, Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change, loc. 3045.

This anger is expressed toward romantic partners in a variety of protest behaviors (“pay attention to me or else!”) and sometimes turned inward — against the anxious-preoccupied’s own self-image:

Anxiously attached individuals’ intensification of negative emotions and rumination on threats and slights may fuel intense and prolonged bouts of anger. However, their fear of separation and desperate desire for others’ love may hold their resentment and anger in check, and redirect it toward themselves. As a result, anxious people’s anger can include a complex mixture of resentment, hostility, self-criticism, fear, sadness, and depression. Mikulincer (1998b) provided evidence for this characterization of anxiously attached people’s anger. Their recollections of anger-provoking experiences included an uncontrollable flood of angry feelings, persistent rumination on these feelings, and sadness and despair following conflicts. Mikulincer also found that anxious people held more negative expectations about others’ responses during anger episodes and tended to make more undifferentiated, negatively biased appraisals of relationship partners’ intentions. They attributed hostility to their partner and reacted in kind, even when there were only ambiguous cues concerning hostile intent. There is also evidence, cited earlier, that attachment anxiety is associated with anger, aggression, and hostility. –Shaver and Mikulincer, Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change, loc. 5466.

The lack of a secure sense of self-worth that can be drawn on when alone or when encountering negative signals from others creates a variety of problems for the anxious-preoccupied, including tolerating a less supportive partner by accepting a lowered sense of their own value and competence, which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy as the anxious turn to others instead of learning to accomplish tasks for themselves:

It is common for an attachment-anxious person, who hopes to gain a partner’s love, esteem, and protection, to take some of the blame for a partner’s unreliable care (“ Something is wrong with me; I don’t have what it takes to gain my partner’s reliable attention and regard”). It is also common for such a person to ruminate about why he or she is so worthless that others do not want to provide the love and approval that is so strongly desired. These thought processes heighten and reinforce the cognitive accessibility of negative self-representations and doubts about one’s social value. Moreover, anxious overdependence on attachment figures interferes with the development of self-efficacy. Anxiously attached people generally prefer to rely on their partner rather than engage in challenging activities alone, thereby preventing them from exploring and learning new information and skills. In addition, deliberate but awkward or desperate attempts to gain proximity to an attachment figure reinforce a negative self-image, because anxious people often present themselves in degrading, incompetent, childish, or excessively needy ways in an effort to elicit compassion and support. –Shaver and Mikulincer, Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change, loc. 4104.

This lack of a secure, self-sufficient base for the anxious-preoccupied is the cause of a lot of desperate effort to attract a partner who will provide it, then anger when that partner turns out not to be the perfectly supportive figure they imagined. The Preoccupied settle too soon on someone they don’t know well and try to force them to be a good partner who will make them feel constantly secure; naturally many partners thrust into this role don’t appreciate it or desire to be someone else’s fantasy partner. The Preoccupied will use sex (and accept sex that might not be safe or good for them) to attract a partner they want to love them, rather than seeing sex as a natural outgrowth of feelings.

So what can be done to move the anxious-preoccupied to a more secure style in relationships?

Security allows a person to be less self-centered, and it’s probably good therapy for the anxious-preoccupied to think and act in a less self-concerned way to increase the strength of their compassion and empathy muscles. Instead of ruminating on your lack of supportive relationships and how inadequate you must be to have either bad or nonexistent partners, try thinking of the good things about yourself and your life, and spend some time listening to others with problems and trying to help them see that their problems can be overcome. Your subconscious is listening to everything you say, so remind yourself and others that you did in fact grow up to be a good and competent person and have a lot to be grateful for.

Try to identify supportive figures from your past who nurtured and cared for you in a way that made you feel safer and stronger — if neither parent fit that role, consider uncles and aunts, grandparents, and good friends. Imagine that person standing by your side and telling you that you can accomplish what you need to, and that you are a worthy person to be loved. Let that feeling of security wash through you, and cultivate the habit of thinking of those reassuring figures as being with you in the present when things seem to be going badly.

Focus on the good relationships you have had, spend less time thinking about the bad. Think enough of yourself to avoid getting caught up in every new relationship as if it might be The One. The time you spend obsessing over someone you barely know (projecting onto them qualities they probably don’t have) could be better spent getting to know lots of other people, one of whom might be much better suited to you.

And for those with religious faith, use it for reassurance — that’s one of the positive roles of faith:

The Golden Rule, for example, which enjoins people to treat others as they would like to be treated, is easier to follow if one knows what it is like to be treated well, accurately empathizes with other people, and provides what others need, without feeling cheated or entitled to effusive praise. Interestingly, religious “models” (Oman & Thoresen, 2003) are generally portrayed in scriptures and religious stories as security-providing attachment figures for their followers, who in turn are enjoined to treat others as the model treats them. Jesus, for example, is described by John (13: 35) as saying, “By this all will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” Luke (6 :30–36) describes Jesus as giving the following specific instructions: “Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back. And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them. … Love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return.” In Buddhism , a common form of compassion meditation involves remembering vividly how one feels when someone provides unconditional love (one’s mother is often suggested, but someone else can be substituted if she was not a supportive attachment figure), then turn that process, in one’s mind (and eventually in one’s behavior as well), toward other targets. Chödrön (2003) describes this process as follows: To begin, we start just where we are. We connect with the place where we currently feel loving-kindness, compassion, joy, or equanimity, however limited they may be. … We aspire that we and our loved ones can enjoy the quality we are practicing. Then we gradually extend that aspiration to a widening circle of relationships. … “May I be free from suffering and the root of suffering. May you be free from suffering and the root of suffering. May all beings be free of suffering and the root of suffering.” (pp. 66– 67) –Shaver and Mikulincer, Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change, loc. 12024.

Mean People Suck: “Radicalizing the Romanceless”

Amazon Warrior

While people are still forming good relationships and marriages by finding like-minded partners, those happy people are relatively quiet, and online the poisonous communications of embittered men and women have a much higher profile. The “grievance bubble” of modern feminism — which sees women as endlessly wronged by brutish males — is now countered by the Red Pill grievance bubble of men who feel victimized by women who use and discard them, or even worse, ignore them and act as if even a friendly word is an aggression.

People who treat each other as objects to be used for sex or to fill an attachment need without regard to the others’ inner being suck. People who treat their intimate partners as valuable people first, treasuring their individualism and learning as much as they can about their partner, are the winners in the relationship game — inner security and confidence is sexy and attractive in both men and women. When the insecure start blaming everyone else for their failure to get their needs met instead of working on improving themselves to be better partners, we have groups of embittered men and women engaged in blaming to preserve their egos.

The Slate Star Codex blog (which is full of good reads for rationalists) has a great looong post about this meanness and how the cruelties displayed by the embittered are adding to the schism (h/t Instapundit.) He uses Google histories to trace the origin of the Manosphere and finds it to have started up after years of contemptuous references to men in the Femosphere. Here’s the priceless quote (referring to feminist web sites’ disdain and cruelty toward lonely men):

When your position commits you to saying “Love isn’t important to humans and we should demand people stop caring about whether or not they have it,” you need to take a really careful look in the mirror – assuming you even show up in one.

Please do read “Radicalizing the Romanceless.”

Death by HR: How Affirmative Action Cripples Organizations

[From Death by HR: How Affirmative Action Cripples Organizations, available now in Kindle and trade paperback.]

The first review is in: by Elmer T. Jones, author of The Employment Game. Here’s the condensed version; view the entire review here.

Corporate HR Scrambles to Halt Publication of “Death by HR”

Nobody gets a job through HR. The purpose of HR is to protect their parent organization against lawsuits for running afoul of the government’s diversity extortion bureaus. HR kills companies by blanketing industry with onerous gender and race labor compliance rules and forcing companies to hire useless HR staff to process the associated paperwork… a tour de force… carefully explains to CEOs how HR poisons their companies and what steps they may take to marginalize this threat… It is time to turn the tide against this madness, and Death by HR is an important research tool… All CEOs should read this book. If you are a mere worker drone but care about your company, you should forward an anonymous copy to him.

Anxious-Preoccupied: Stuck on the Dismissive?

Preoccupied-Dismissive Pairing: Quicksand?

The Anxious-Preoccupied are frequently attracted to the intermittent reinforcement provided by the Avoidant, especially the apparently cool and self-sufficient Dismissive variety. I go into this at some length in the book:

Anxious-preoccupied types do poorly with each other—two needy, clingy people who do manage to calm each other’s insecurities exist as couples, but it’s rare, and the resulting relationship is closer to unhealthy codependence; neither will be strengthened by the bond. A mildly Preoccupied person can last with a mildly Avoidant sort, but the relationship tends to be unhappy as the bond is based on the unmet neediness of the Preoccupied and the willingness of the Avoidant to accept the attention without providing emotional security. A preoccupied person is much better off with a Secure who can gradually calm the preoccupied person’s insecurities by steady love and support, as in this case:

The preoccupied wife who had ambivalent attachment to her parent cannot believe her husband when he says, despite their fights and mutual dissatisfactions, that he genuinely loves her and wants to stay with her. She cannot assimilate it to her worldview, her internal model. She is sure he will abandon her, either because he already wants to or because her impossible and anxious neediness will eventually drive him out. But his steadfastness over the years builds her trust. It causes her to remember her relationship with a great uncle, whose love was precious and unwavering, and to think more and more about him and how good she felt about herself around him. Gradually, she assimilates her marriage to this model, and it becomes more central. Feeling more secure, she now finds herself freer to reflect on the past.[1]

Though it appears a preoccupied person might be better off with a secure partner, some research indicates that in this case opposites attract:

A number of studies have looked into the question of whether we are attracted to people based on their attachment style or ours. Two researchers in the field of adult attachment, Paula Pietromonaco, of the University of Massachusetts, and Katherine Carnelley, of the University of Southampton in the UK, found that avoidant individuals actually prefer anxiously attached people. Another study, by Jeffry Simpson of the University of Minnesota, showed that anxious women are more likely to date avoidant men. Is it possible, then, that people who guard their independence with ferocity would seek the partners most likely to impinge on their autonomy? Or that people who seek closeness are attracted to people who want to push them away? And if so, why? Pietromonaco and Carnelley believe that these attachment styles actually complement each other in a way. Each reaffirms the other’s beliefs about themselves and about relationships. The avoidants’ defensive self-perception that they are strong and independent is confirmed, as is the belief that others want to pull them into more closeness than they are comfortable with. The anxious types find that their perception of wanting more intimacy than their partner can provide is confirmed, as is their anticipation of ultimately being let down by significant others. So, in a way, each style is drawn to reenact a familiar script over and over again.[2]

This kind of complementary dysfunction can lead to a stable relationship, but one where both partners stay in their insecure styles, with the preoccupied battling for every scrap of attention and the avoidant one only giving enough to confirm his view of attachment as a necessary evil. These attractions are based on re-enacting the dysfunctional touch and response cycles of their early childhoods, and generally these couples report they are together despite their unhappiness.

Levine and Heller point out that the slights and intermittent reinforcement of the attractive avoidant male often trigger activation of the attachment system—producing intrigue and sparks. So what if he only answers your text messages days later, if at all? He’s hot and just hard-to-get enough that you really want him! This is the terrible mistake so many make: they meet a secure guy and it’s all so drama-free that they think he’s dull:

If you are anxious, the reverse of what happens when you meet someone avoidant happens when you meet someone secure. The messages that come across from someone secure are very honest, straightforward, and consistent. Secures are not afraid of intimacy and know they are worthy of love. They don’t have to beat around the bush or play hard to get. Ambiguous messages are out of the mix, as are tension and suspense. As a result, your attachment system remains relatively calm. Because you are used to equating an activated attachment system with love, you conclude that this can’t be “the one” because no bells are going off. You associate a calm attachment system with boredom and indifference. Because of this fallacy you might let the perfect partner pass you by.[3]

So armed with foreknowledge, a wise preoccupied person will seek out a Secure and avoid the sometimes attractive but ultimately unsupportive Avoidant of both flavors, as well as other Preoccupieds, who are likely to be the worst partners of all for them.

The relationships between Anxious-Preoccupied and Avoidant partners are especially problematic, because their mutually-reinforcing insecurities can lead to a stable but unhappy partnership that does little to help them grow more secure but can go on for years.

Remember that while attachment types are relatively fixed characteristics, almost everyone can display insecurities when the situation is stressful or their partner is triggering them: as when the Avoidant are withholding responses, creating anxiety in their partner; or when the Anxious-Preoccupied are peppering their normally Secure partner with demands for response, creating a desire to distance from excessive clinginess.

The Anxious-Preoccupied are driven by their need for attachment to jump quickly into relationships and to immediately see the latest one as the solution to their problems. They feel safe when their desired partner is near and reassuring, and anxious when apart, or when messages aren’t replied to immediately. While a Secure will assume the lack of response means their partner is simply busy or away from the phone, an Anxious-Preoccupied person will start to worry and wonder if something has gone wrong with their relationship. Since they are so concerned about their relationships, they will then act — with more and increasingly demanding messages and even more obsessive worry if there is no response.

The Preoccupied think that because they put their relationships above all other priorities, and work hard to maintain contact and do things for their partner, that they are owed the same level of attention and devotion. This level of commitment would be admirable if it came after a long relationship of mutual support and knowledge, but the Preoccupied tend to rope someone into partnership and start acting as if it was eternal and perfectly intimate long before they have really come to know and understand their latest partner-victim. In other words, they use their new partner to fill the hole in their attachment security without a true knowledge and appreciation of the partner’s history and feelings. This is self-centered and shows that real empathy can only be fully exercised from a secure base.

This entitlement attitude (“I am a devoted partner so I am owed the attention I deserve!”) leads to disappointment and anger when no real person can instantly be as thoughtful and devoted as the Preoccupied would require. The Preoccupied spend much time obsessing about these unintended slights and going over every detail of interactions in their heads, making up scenarios where they lose their partner, and then being tempted to make another play for reassurance. The anxiety they feel and the demands they make without regard to their partner’s state of mind or current ability to respond ultimately can drive away partners and friends.

The increasing percentage of Dismissives in the dating pool as time goes on means that older Preoccupieds will encounter more Dismissives than any other type. The intermittent reinforcement provided by a Dismissive — sometimes they will respond reassuringly, sometimes not — means that when the attachment system of the Preoccupied goes on alert, it finds its challenging match in the Dismissive’s refusal to play along. To some Preoccupieds this partial response is what they remember from significant caregivers, most typically their father, and the familiarity of this yearning is itself attractive.

The Dismissive, on the other hand, expects partners to be too demanding and troublesome, and that too confirms their view of others. One might expect Dismissives to seek out partners who are happy to accept greater distance in partnership, but that is not how it works out in practice; it as as if the Dismissive is most comfortable exercising the balance of power in the relationship, holding their struggling partner at a distance and just providing enough attention and reassurance to keep them on the hook.

Since they are reinforcing each other’s view of others, neither will get any more secure with time; the Dismissive will accuse their partner of being clingy or needy, while the Preoccupied will accuse their partner of being too distant and uncaring. They are fulfilling each other’s basic need to have a partner, but the partnership will always be troubled by their complementary insecurities. Yet it is more likely to be stable than a Preoccupied-Preoccupied partnership.

The single Preoccupied person would be wise to resist the tendency to fall for a Dismissive. This can be avoided by noting the red flags of the avoidant: not responding reassuringly to simple in-person requests, not showing much interest and concern for your feelings, and having a history of bad or no relationships. Superficial looks and accomplishments should not be seen as indicating that your new prospect is a success in emotional or relationship spheres. Always remember when you meet someone intriguing that you know next to nothing about their personality until you have seen them in many situations over many months. Don’t try to have a Significant relationship with someone until you have enough history with that person to be able to rely on their feelings for you. Remind yourself that there are many possible partners out there, and don’t settle emotionally on someone who may not be right for you just because they have shown you a little attention. It is meaningless unless it is sustained and reliable.

[1] Karen, p. 404
[2] Levine, Amir; Heller, Rachel (2010-12-30). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love. p/ 91, Penguin Group US
[3] Levine and Heller, p. 96

[Note: if you arrived here looking for insight into a dismissive or fearful-avoidant spouse or lover, I’ve just published a book on the topic: Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner. Right now available only from Amazon Kindle for $3.99 (or local currency equivalent), but by Oct. 15th a paperback should also be available.]

Jeb Kinnison

Writing About Life and Love

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