A good example of the problems the Anxious-Preoccupied have in finding a good long-term partner came up a few days ago.
A good friend, Person A, had gone out with Person B briefly, then decided there was no future to the relationship and told Person B they should just be friends (“friend-zoning,” as the Red Pill guys say.) Person B seemed to accept that, but continued to think of Person A as a Significant Other. Person A is a Secure, while Person B is Anxious-Preoccupied.
Months later, Person A had what amounts to a stroke and was in the hospital and rehab for months. Friends, including Person B (who normally lives hundreds of miles away), rallied around and supported Person A with visits and messages. Person A, of course, was in no shape to respond, which everyone understood.
Now Person A has returned to work, though lingering brain damage is limiting his abilities and stamina. Sometimes he responds to text messages, but usually not. He can walk only limited distances and tires easily, going to bed at 8 PM after exhausting days trying to keep up with his job. He is stubborn and independent and wants to do everything himself. He has no energy or time for socializing.
A few of his friends (including me) got him out to a small birthday dinner and posted a picture of the group on Facebook. That and a failure to respond to texts set off Person B, who had a meltdown on Facebook and defriended people involved, telling everyone that Person A was obviously recovered, doing fine, and seeing someone else and intentionally lying about it.
The moral of the story: if you’re Anxious-Preoccupied, your insecurities will build in the absence of reassurance, and you’ll do great damage to your social ties by acting clingy, possessive, and jealous. The controlling nature of the neediness shown scares away potential partners who don’t want constant drama in their relationships, and the anxious-preoccupied’s fear of abandonment becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
From the page Type: Anxious-Preoccupied:
The key to happier relationships for the anxious-preoccupied is working toward an inner feeling of security and independence. This is easier when a Secure partner is present — the reliability of the partner’s signalling and response reassures, letting inner security grow. But even the single Preoccupied can take a clue from their type label — they are preoccupied with the idea of a relationship. Getting involved with absorbing activities and friendships with others can take their mind off the problem of partner relationships. And self-coaching can help — replacing inner dialog about failings and worries about what others think of you with reassuring self-talk can help prevent overly-clingy and paranoid behavior that drives away significant others. Build confidence in yourself and your value by accomplishing real tasks, and try harder to see things from others’ point of view before acting on fears and anger about how they treat you. Soothe your own worries before they trouble others, and have more faith in their goodwill before you assume the worst.
More on Attachment and Personality Types:
What Attachment Type Are You?
Type: Fearful-Avoidant (aka Anxious-Avoidant)
Avoidant: Emotions Repressed Beneath Conscious Level
Serial Monogamy: the Fearful-Avoidant Do It Faster
Anxious-Preoccupied: Stuck on the Dismissive?
Anxious-Preoccupied / Dismissive-Avoidant Couples: the Silent Treatment
Anxious-Preoccupied: Clingy and Insecure Relationship Example
Domestic Violence: Ray and Janay Rice
Teaching Narcissists to Activate Empathy
Histrionic Personality: Seductive, Dramatic, Theatrical
Life Is Unfair! The Great Chain of Dysfunction Ends With You.
Love Songs of the Secure Attachment Type
On Addiction and the Urge to Rescue
“Bad Boyfriends” for Kindle, $2.99
Controlling Your Inner Critic
“Big Bang Theory” — Aspergers and Emotional/Social Intelligence
Porn Addiction and NoFAP
Introverts in Management
Dismissive-Avoidants as Parents
This is totally me. I can’t get a relationship to last more than a week or two. I was hospitalized a lot with chronic illness as a toddler up until I was about 7, and my mother always had to go to work and could not hang around the hospital to be with me. I always thought she would just dump me.